|The only exclusively lesbian-oriented publication in the Phoenix Area
|Advice from Ms. Knowitall
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|Dear Ms. Knowitall,
Can a married woman with kids wake up one day and realize she is in love with a woman?
I never had feelings for a female before, not sexually. Then it all changed 4 years ago. Now
I don't know if I loved Lucy because of how she made me feel ( my marriage is very
verbally abusive), or if I really loved her because I am gay? We had a 2 1/2 yr affair which
ended in her hurting me by staying with her wife and kids. I don't know how to move on. I
love her friendship she makes me laugh and gets me. Is this normal?
Gay or Not?
We are socialized to believe that anything other than traditional man-on-woman sex is sick
and abnormal. Unfortunately, because we are a nation of sheep, we believe it. However,
the fearless few who are open-minded enough to fully explore their sexuality may find
same-sex relationships equally pleasurable, or even preferable to heterosexual
relationships. The big secret is that without the social stigma, a hell of a lot more people
would be bisexual or gay. So, since you obviously fall into the latter category, the answer to
your question is yes, you can realize you're gay at any time.
Many women in bad marriages seek comfort elsewhere, usually with men but increasingly
with other women. To be clear, Ms. Knowitall does not condone cheating on one's partner
as a viable alternative to an unhappy marriage. It's dishonest, cowardly, and if there are
children involved, it's terrible role-modeling - not to mention that extra-marital relationships
built on deceiving one's partner usually turn out badly, a lesson you've learned the hard way.
So, moving on, the reason for your attraction to this person is irrelevant. Are you officially
"gay?" Maybe. Are you bisexual? Obviously. But you have the rest of your life to sort that out.
Right now, you need to grab a piece of integrity and deal with your marriage. Unless you've
both agreed to an open relationship, you both have some serious decision-making ahead
|maybe once or twice during the week. Yesterday she announced that she would be hanging
She didn't invite me. I was hurt by that. It's not like they were doing anything that would be
ruined if I were there. They're just going to hang around in public places. And, I'd like to
meet the friends she talks about.
Do you think that this is something I should worry about? What do you think it means? Does
she not want me to meet her friends? Do you think she's hiding something? Dating
someone else? Jane thinks the way I feel about this is ridiculous. Is it? I'm questioning
whether I should let this relationship go any farther. Jane says that is ridiculous too.
Left Out Of Social Encounters
Hate to break it to you, but for a person who describes a relationship as "not real serious
yet" you are seriously overreacting. Unless Jane has given you a valid reason to mistrust her
in the past, jumping to negative conclusions and implying that a night out with her friends
may be grounds for discontinuing the relationship is unwarranted AND ridiculous. Even
couples who are serious make plans that don't include each other.
Granted, nobody likes feeling left out, and to be clear, the "feeling" is valid. It's the
over-reaction that is irrational, and will be counted against you when a potential partner is
deciding whether or not to proceed from dating to partnership. So if you ever want to meet
those friends, keep your fear and insecurity to yourself instead of making it her problem.
Develop new methods to cope with your insecurity. Try these exercises:
1. Identify your fears.
2. Ask yourself: Has ____ given me any reason to fear these things? If so, then re-evaluate
3. If not, then dig down past your emotional response to a place of reason and logic, and
assume the best of people until they give you reason to assume the worst.
4. Remind yourself that no amount of badgering will stop a person from doing the thing you
fear, and in fact, will be more likely to cause a negative outcome.
5. If the four steps above fail, and you still need external reassurance, then take
responsibility for it. Don't say, "I'm hurt that you didn't invite me." Say, "I'm feeling a little
insecure about not being invited."
6. When an attempt is made to assuage your fears, allow yourself to accept it. Don't try to
control the other person's behavior.
Conquering insecurity isn't easy because often it stems from events in your childhood that
caused you to doubt your self-worth. Those feelings will come up time and time again. The
goal is not to try to erase the feelings, but to identify them quickly enough to interrupt the
dysfunctional behaviors that no longer serve you as an adult.
|who "me" is. One day I had three such
calls and didn't recognize any of them
started talking, then I could figure out
who it was. Frequently they call on the
answering machine and leave such
messages as "It's me. Give me a call."
Rarely does this mythical person get a
call because I don't recognize their
voice. Please encourage people not to
test their friend's voice recognition skills
but to simply say, "It's (insert name
Since the world revolves around "me" it
is not surprising that people will identify
as such and will further expect
everyone else to know who "me" is. Is it
rude? Not really. Is it stupid?
Apparently, since "me" risks not getting
a callback from "you." Since "you"
signed your name to this inquiry, "we"
will let your friends among the
readership know that "they" should
always identify themselves by name
when they call "you."